how can u be prego again
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
