bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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