I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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