Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
