i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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