He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
