I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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