Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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