i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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