A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
