Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
