I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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