I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I will pee on everything he values.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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