she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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