you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
