You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Found the puke drawer
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
