I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
