I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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