A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
