Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
