none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize