I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize