when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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