I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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