My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
