my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
