For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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