I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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