I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You were trust falling into bushes
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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