cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize