I think im going to throw up on grandma
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
