I think my vagina is haunted
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
