I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
