i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
