Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
