the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
