$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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