Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
