It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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