Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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