You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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