And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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