Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
