I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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