Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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