that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Girls should come with a carfax report
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
