I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
