oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
