some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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