she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
