Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize