Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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