Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
