I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
