: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
