He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you had me at cake vodka
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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