Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
